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Talk Story
By lindamuralidharan on 2020-12-25 05:16:28
It is Christmas Eve as I write, and I hope all readers are able to experience a lot of joy this season in the midst of various
levels of awful. I hope those who are ill will improve soon, and those that are healthy will stay that way. I am not one to
make resolutions and I don't want to piggy back on typical holiday themes so I will in stead cover some concerns about
interpersonal communication that seem relevant to me when we are "waging peace". Peace needs to be waged all year long
although I appreciate many greeting cards highlighting the concept of peace at this time of year. I believe effective
communication promotes a peaceful environment and a greater commitment to peace begins with finding peaceful solutions
to truly thorny issues, both at home and abroad. [caption id="attachment_ 14891" align="alignright" width="180"]
tie a la
™ —
a! ~ Journalism School[/caption] Some say all politics is local. Therefore it may be true that better
communication among various groups in society begins with better communication among individuals. And within
communities. Some of what I write today is repetitious. For example, in the past I have suggested that it will be more
difficult than necessary to reduce destructive chemical addictions if we are not honest. I still see in the media comments
about "alcohol or drugs". That is incorrect and dysfunctional language. Since alcohol itself is a drug, the correct sentence
would involve the expression "alcohol or other drugs". Why does this matter? Well, so long as we treat alcohol as benign as
compared to the street drugs, we mislead people, model dishonesty which is the enemy of sobriety, and fail to develop
policies that have maximum effectiveness. For example, the so called war on drugs is a colossal failure as a huge waste of
tax dollars that would be better spent on regulation and treatment availability. We advertise and push the use of the drug
alcohol and we condemn the other drugs and their users. Trying to limit the supply so long as the demand is immense just
hasn't worked. We will be able to limit the demand significantly if we are honest and provide effective and easily accessible
treatment. Needless to say we need to train more really skilled treatment personnel. [caption id="attachment_ 14893"
ene
rer
align="alignleft" width="178"] = Typical promotion of alcohol use[/caption] Families are
destroyed or seriously limited and damaged by all of these addictions. Alcohol and ice are the main drugs of choice in
Hawaii. Well, I could mention marijuana also, but it is less devastating than the other two. Years ago, PCP was very big in
San Jose, Ca. and parts of the Midwest. In recent years the opiate epidemic has been especially severe in places like Ohio
and Kentucky, Tennessee and West Virginia. However, if it is your wife or your son who is danger of overdosing, you don't
really care where you live! Bottom line, what is the best approach to preventing abuse and addiction to the drug alcohol, and
what is the best treatment of same and methods for educating the public. It will surely be a more peaceful society when
fewer people under the influence of alcohol drive dangerously or abuse other people. And, again, all around honesty will
promote harmony in the long run. Another topic I have covered before is the the continued use of language to keep women
in inferior positions in society. Do we not know that "children" are considered less capable than "adults" and that the term
"girls" refers to children or at the very least, females who have not yet reached the maturity and judgment of adulthood? By
repeatedly referring to women as "girls" we unconsciously affirm that they are less mature and competent than men. It
happens all the time. In old and new TV series, in contemporary commentary on politics and the like. The use of the term
"boys" to refer to adult males is pretty much limited to male bonding situations. Athletic teammates talk about "my boy" or
"the boys.". When men like to gather with friends for a game of cards or to watch one sort of game or another, some folks
call it the "boys' night out." Truth be told the term (girls)is sometimes applied to women who get together without husbands
or boyfriends for a night of social activity. However, the word "boy" is not used when a new male employee over the age of
20 joins a company or other job situation. It is always the new "man" or the new "guy". With females it is almost always
"the new girl" in the office. Somewhere around the age of 40 that may change depending on how youthful the person
appears. Over and over again, my friends and family members use the term "girl" for a grown woman. "Who's that girl Eric
is dating now?" "Did you see Jose at the club last night with the new girl from marketing?" In either case, the woman in
question is likely to be anywhere from 21 to 37 or even older. In any situation where a woman or young woman is referred
to as a girl the hidden meaning is that she is less than. It implies this person has the limited capabilities of a secretary or a
data entry clerk. And there is nothing wrong with those positions. In fact people have risen from clerical positions to
actually run some companies. It is the implication that is wrong. I dare say that some readers here do recall the national
campaign to have people stop calling adult Afro American men "boy". That had been the tradition for centuries as a means
of keeping people of color "in their place." Words do have consequences. It is exactly the same with the outmoded
expression of referring to adult women as "girls". No wonder we have far fewer women than men in the typical legislature.
I know that is beginning to change, but it is these recent exceptions that prove the rule. Yes, words have consequences and
many recognized that when nationally we began to realize that it was anti-social to refer to people with developmental
disabilities as "retarded". We are still working to use more empowering words such as "developmentally disabled" or
"developmentally challenged" and the like. People with symptoms of mental illness are better referred to as "mentally ill" or
"having mental health issues" and they are no longer automatically called "crazy" or "cuckoo". We are learning to view
addiction as a health or mental health issue rather than as a moral deficiency. When we can use words (consistently) that are
descriptive but not judgmental we move toward better understanding and lower levels of conflict. [caption
id="attachment_14892" align="aligncenter" width="600"]
Peace Symbol[/caption] I will
add another kind of communication improvement that I, myself, eventually learned after more than a few years of therapy.
Although therapy, as such, did help me feel happier and function better, my biggest gains toward better mental health and
better relationships came in the work I did with a self-help group. Finally I understood that I did not have to have the last
word in ever argument. In many situations, and especially in arguments with a significant other, I kept answering back
every time he would add to his side of the argument. I was unconsciously trying to control the situation and thought it was
my job to "change" the other person so he would see the light. On average, I would say the argument was never resolved
and I left with a bad feeling. Basically this approach covers up what might be the real issue by trying to make points on the
surface of the disagreement. I finally learned that I was going to need to end the discussion at some point even if I thought
the other person's last comment sorely needed correction. This works in public discourse as well. In politics or religion or a
work environment, one may in major disagreement with a person after trying for some time to reach an understanding. By
letting the other person have the last word, I learned that nothing disastrous happened and, in fact, the other person and I
were likely to be able to part more or less as friends or to continue calm discussion about a different topic. Finally there is
that concept that is often pointed out in couples therapy but has much wider implications. That is the repeated use of words
like "always" and "never". "You always forget to pick up the kids on the way home from the gym!" "No, I don't." "Yes,
you do", and back and forth, with variations like, "Don't you remember, I picked them up last Thursday?" Or "You never
even say you're sorry when you have been rude to me." "Oh, you know I have said sorry many times." "You only say that
when your mother's here or it is some obvious mistake like tipping over the kitchen waste basket." And so forth.
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ebdasda a It is my wish and preference that both individuals and print and video efforts
use words in more positive ways. It does involve learning what promotes positive self-image and social cohesion and what
promotes variants of the opposite. I wonder if journalism schools and English classes in schools address these issues in a
positive way. At home, in governmental arenas, at community meetings like town hall meetings precise use of language that
promotes prosocial attitudes would contribute to "peace" in a myriad of small ways. Collectively it would have much power
and maybe it could become the norm in political discourse. In Hawaii congenial conversations and public meetings to get
feed back from constituents are frequently referred to as an effort to "talk story." Happy talking, everybody.
La
