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The University at Albany
Albany, New York
Torch
1980
eA chia ote oP at es a
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To experience a thing as beautiful means:
to experience it necessarily wrongly.
— Nietzsche
Cover — Roberta Militello
All photographs and other art work contained in Torch
80 are used with permission of the individual artist.
No unauthorized use of this material is permitted.
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The Toucher
Editor’s Note:
The following are excerpts from a SUNYA woman’s diary written during the height
of the Pine Hill Toucher’s criminal activity.
Tuesday:
Thursday:
Saturday:
Tony asked me to keep an account of how | feel about the Pine Hills guy for the
yearbook, a rather sad way for one to get their writing in it.
The Pine Hill rapist broke into Jennifer’s house last night, but she screamed and he
ran away. | lie in bed every night expecting to look up and see his face standing in front
of me. | spend hours trying to figure out what | would do “‘if’, thinking about that
horrible “if”, not thinking about it. Would | scream? Would I try to fight him? Or would
| just lie there? | think I’d actually just faint and hope to God that | didn’t wake up.
The worst part about this whole rapist thing is that nobody gets any sleep anymore,
at least not women. Last night | heard a tapping at the window and we called the
police. They arrived later and said that there probably had been someone there, but
that he was gone now. Every time they come, they tell us the same thing: He’s gone
now.
One of the cops was about 45 years old and weighed around 250 pounds. The other
wore very thick bifocals. None of us felt very protected, yet we all wanted them to stay.
Judy said that she was going to invite them to move in.
After they left, we all sat quitely at the kitchen table, wide awake, jumping at the
slightest sound. Judy ate a half a pint of ice cream, Lisa polished off a quarter pound of
Freihoffers, and | sat there with a liter of soda and just kept drinking.
Then | began to get angry. | felt really mad inside. | feel anger towards this faceless
outside force that keeps me from going out at night, that traps me in a trap, that makes
me run from the car to the front door whenever | am outside. | reach a point of rage and
| want to stop feeling afraid, but | just can’t. | can’t even confront what's causing the
anger.
| get mad at cops, mad at society, mad at myself, and mad at men. The jokes that
guys make, the snide remarks that you hear, they just make you think that they don’t
oF
5 ote Tees
fam ene i
98
Bierman ied Ape Sa .
RUPEE cra MORE
Monday:
Friday:
take this seriously. But they can’t, | guess. They can’t realize a type of horror that for
them just does not exist.
The ““Toucher’, as they now call him (even the name seems to be designed to lessen
the seriousness of his attacks. He does not touch. He assaults and he rapes.), broke
into the house next door last night. Now, both houses next to us and the one behind
have had him there. | feel like he’s closing in, and there’s nothing | can do about it.
| went over to Steve’s last night. He called around 10:30 and asked me to come over
for a while. | said yes, but asked him to walk over and meet me. He didn’t really want
to, because it was two degrees out and he was tired. “It’s only around the block,’’ he
said, ‘‘Why do you want me to walk you?”’
What was | going to say? That | was scared? That | was afriad I’d see him in
somebody’s alley, that | need protection?
| didn’t say things like that. | don’t want to believe that | need anyone to protect me,
that protection is necessary. So | told myself that I’m not afraid of very much, and |
walked, saying nothing to him.
On the way, | heard footsteps behind me, quickening as | hastened my own pace. |
broke into a cold run and a cold sweat at the same moment. The footsteps started
running behind me. | knew for sure that this was going to be it, and the only thing | was
thinking was ‘‘Please God, don’t let me see his face, for if | don’t see his face, | can still
think he’s not human.”’
All of a sudden, | felt this hand on my shoulder and everything inside of me stopped
dead. It was just a kid, about fourteen, running by with a bicycle tire. “Scaredja lady”’
he yelled and laughed his head off.
| was almost in tears when | got to Steve’s. | felt so stupid, so weak, so helpless, so
goddamn feminine, so goddamn afraid. | told the story to Steve, whose only reply was,
“Only you would be afriad of a fourteen year old kid,’’ and then, like the kid, he
laughed his head off too.
Everyone has gone home this week for vacation. Except me. | have stayed in this
house for five days by myself. It becomes more difficult each night. | seem to hear more
and more noises every evening. The rapist has hit around the corner again, and last
night, | just couldn’t stand it anymore. | was so afraid by myself that | called up Jimmy
at 3:30 in the morning: “Jimmy, do you have an empty bed over there?”’
We watched “Alfred Hitchcock Presents’’ and ““Outer Limits.”’ It was just the stuff to
calm my mind, | mused, and was thankful for my sense of humor. | slept in a room offa
porch with no lock on it. How ironic it would be, | thought, if the rapist broke in here,
where | was supposed to be safe and sheltered.
| never knew what the word “sheepish” really meant until the morning. | experi-
enced it then, feeling dumb and helpless. Something inside of me felt like screaming
that | had done good, that | made it through six nights alone, that | hadn’t really needed
to bother anyone, but | just didn’t think that any male could ever understand.
Jimmy just thought it was “cute.’” I’m sure that he also thought | had nothing to
worry about, that “everything was cool.”’ I’ve always had this feeling that only the cute
girls have to worry, that only the pretty girls are vulnerable. Didn’t | have my nerve
being upset?
But Jimmy just thought it was “cute.” It was pathetic, maybe, but it was certainly not
cute.
99
Tuesday:
| guess that this whole thing has made me mistrust men, in general, all too much.
You can’t lump all males together, though, you just can’t. Then Jimmy said that he
didn’t think it was cute that | was worrying. ‘I was just mad at you for staying alone the
whole week. You should’ve stayed with us.”
The word ‘‘sheepish’’ seemed to pop up once again.
Saturday:
There hasn’t been any news about the rapist for over a week. | still feel like he’s
lurking outside, though, like a cat ready to spring. Everyone has new locks on their
bedroom doors and we have glasses on all the windows. I’m still sleeping with my
door open. If this guy’s going to see me, that | do want to get a look at him first. I’ve
decided that seeing him can’t make him human —| don’t think anything could do that.
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Mike Farrell: 126, 127, 136, 137, 149, 161, 187
Gary (900d: 9G, (25, 128, 129, 130, 131,.132, 133, 134, 134
Mark Haleck: 13, 165, 207
Mark Henschel: 84, 85, 86, 87, 165
John Hodges: 185
Mark Kirsch: 292
Roanne Kulakoff: 4, 40, 49, 65, 103, 105, 180, 181, 186
Bob Leonard: 3, 5, 6, 15, 71, 73, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 124, 168, 186, 194, 202, 210,
234. 2/9, 292
Dave Machson: 151, 166, 167, 186
Mark Nadler: 104, 106, 107, 159
Suna Steinkamp: 14, 34, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 47, 67, 69, 72, 138, 143, 186, 218, 228, 251, 286
Anthony Tassarotti: 7, 16, 33, 39, 48, 50,51, 52, 53,54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 66,
OU, ST, 93,94; 95, 140-744, 142, 144 145, 146,147, 146,156, 169, 170; 172,
73, 174, 425, 176, 177,176 470, ee, (os, 104, 187, 193,272, 199, 278,
261, 282, 283, 264,. 265. 269, 290, 791, 292, 293,294, 295, 296, 297, 298,
299, 300; 301, 302, 303, 304.
Sue Taylor: 155
Will Yurman: 9, 10, 11, 12, 74, 156, 158, 159, 171, 223, 243, 269.
AND THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE!
land serhnttonets ————— e
189
Mark Kirsch
eaten eattnsinnenegr ate: teri eee
It’s been about a year and a half since | first started to do work on
this book. It may not be apparent but Torch 80 represents hundreds
of hours of work by photographer, writers and volunteers.
My feelings are confused and a bit vague. I’m certainly grateful
that | was given this opportunity by Amy Kluglein and I’m very
grateful that it is now over!
Lets see... . Mark?
Many thanks to the wonderful people at Merin Studios. Special
thanks to Steve Merin, Bill Penglass and Donna Frabotta.
Jill Simon, who gave us lots of good input under a difficult
situation.
Mark : 2.7
To the Mafia (A.K.A. Robin Pearl, Fran Janis, Ronda Sexer and
anyone else | might have inadvertently left out) many many thanks.
You did the jobs no one wanted to do but just had to get done.
Thank you all once again!
Mark .. .2
To Photo Service, thank you for all the work you did do. Sorry to
those who were left out, work harder for Roanne!
Speaking of Roanne, good luck old friend, we all need it!
Bob Leonard, thanks on a job well done and good luck with the
clones.
Speaking of clones, (and all others at the Art Gallery) carry on!
Mark. 232
To all my families, the Rectors, the Matteos and especially the
Tassarottis, thank you all for your love and support!
Jay B. Gissen, thanks for your contributions to the cause. Hope
you like this mess when you finally get to see it. I’m really going to
miss you and Dave Reisman and our little coffee breaks!
To Debbie K. thanks for adding a balanced view!
Mark. . .2
Once again, thank you all. Without your support this book would
not exist!
Gail, without you | probably wouldn’t exist. You already know
how | feel about you . . . | love You!!!
Well that’s about all . . . Oh yeah, Mark! How could | forget
you, you only reminded me about a million times. What you mean
it’s just a little bunny. Really you did a great job with embezz.. . |
mean keeping the books. May all your debits equal your credits or
better still don’t get caught! Now wait a minute, I’m not through
with you, thanks once again you capitallist pig!!
And at long last to Lowell George and W. Eugene Smith,
remember that ‘Time loves a hero, but only time will tell...”
Love,
Tony
§
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CLONES?
CLONES!
CLONES?
CLONES!
CLONES?
CLONES!
CLONES?
CLONES!
CLONES?
CLONES!
CLONES?
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O Roommate, my roommate,
I’ve lived through senior year.
My weary toils come to a close,
Graduation day is here.
The quad abound with caps and gowns
The students are exalting,
They laugh with thoughts of happy times
And cry because they’re halting.
But my dear, old, friend,
Graduation you'll not see,
For in the course of English lit
You barely pulled a D.
The class of ‘80 says goodbye,
Its stay at SUNYA happily done.
Relieved to see their cums were saved
By basketweaving 101.
Rejoice O quads and ring tow’r bell,
But | shall not feel glee.
Because my roomie won’t be there
For want of credits — three.
— Edith Berelson
277
MA NAGEMENT
SECOND ©
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The Graduate
286
By Jay B. Gissen
Ladies and gentlemen, middle class citizens of the State of New York, doctors, lawyers, CPA’s,
businessmen and women, smiling grandmothers who've made it to yet another graduation, fellow
slaves in the SUNY situation, esteemed professors, not so esteemed professors, intellectuals, jocks,
rock and rollers, varsity lettermen, energetic administrators, admiring younger brothers and sisters,
tearful moms, sweaty dads, freidns, countrymen, Americans, human beings on a planet earth in
one hell of a heap of trouble, I’d like to introduce myself. | am the graduate. This year, | am three
million minds, three million bodies, six million eyes and ears, one very troubled entity. You see,
ladies and gentlemen, and all of those other things | just called you, the world is a great place to be
young in, a great place to grow up in, a wonderful place to get your education in. The world is
everything good and proper you can do in your life, where all your happiness can be found, like
Johnny’s monologue or Archie and Edith’s dialogue, first row seats for the Grateful Dead of fifth
place Mets taking first this fall, or even a Sears and Roebuck catalogue. Yes, there’s a lot of
happiness.
But you know, there’s also the story of a marine in the Dominican Republic, in 1966, throwing a
four month old baby in the air, and catching him on a bayonet. And there’s a million starving
Cambodian children to mull over at the dinner table, or an eighty year old Iranian whose title begins
with an ‘A,’ a little clue that would have the stumped the best of crossword puzzle champs just a
little under two years ago.
And there’s change. There’s gas at 39.9 day, and 129.9 less than a decade later. And there’s your
son or your daughter, Mr. and Mrs. Parent, arriving when Ike was boss, arriving again today,
changed, but still yours. So that’s the way. of the world too, it changes even faster than gas can
guzzle or tuition can rise, but it’s still yours, ours, hers and his, the President’s, and the Ayawhatch-
amakallit’s too.
So there you go, Us three million graduates come out of here with all the good in the world, but
all the bad too. It’s an all or nothing game, the $64,000 question, a ‘what you see is what you got’
deal. I’m not here to offer you an appraisal of that, for who am I, but the graduate, a mere inheritor
and not yet the master of this world’s fate. Sure I’ve got ideals, and ideas, and sure | wonder why it
isn’t so obvious to those important people who silly they’re being. And yes, | worry about the future,
about the world, about my kids even if | can’t conceive of them, about tomorrow. But I,
grandmothers, |, teachers am youth. | am the future for America, and because | have to be a
backbone for a past when I’m sitting playing the role of parent then, I’ve got to be ready to do it now.
I’ve got to leave here confident, and able, and positive and right. I’ve got to be a bit brazen but not
so much that | am not forever learning. I’ve got to be there, where there is, and here, because it’s
where it’s at, and nowhere sometimes to be somewhere some year. I’ve got to have clean air, I’ve
got to care. It’s my problem now to see how the world fares, I’ve got to be there. I’ve got to.
So, fellow human beings, you can sense my sitution. Urgency vs. these past four years or
relaxation. Global turmoil vs. safe, secure existence at this wonderful white kingdom called
SUNYA. The war itself vs. the basic training, crash course called higher education. It’s a conflict
indeed, but despite all the differences between life here and tomorrow, there’s also a harmony in it
that makes it all mesh, makes it all ok.
For at this institution, this home to me for four years of the earth’s most crucial time, |, the
undergraduate, fell in love, and discovered it, and developed and honed untapped skills of
communication, and discovered them, felt hurt and pain, and discovered their necessity, and
simply lived my life, and discovered it. And to me the graduate, on this strange and sentimental
day, that is as real as anything can ever be.
Also in these four years of education in a real world, there was just that, an education. | ventured
into classrooms that took me into the courtroom in Hamlet's mind, into test tubes where | chewed
the fat with escherecea colis, and onto ledger sheets where | learned to achieve balance. | learned
to be examined and tested and not let that get in the way of learning. | learned to add and drop, to
multiply and decide, to pre-register, to manage my money that was never enough, to write, to
wrong, to drink, to bong, to say hello, to say so long. | learned a lot.
And now, before my teary, sentimental reflections lose themselves amongst the fragments of
pollution in this fresh May air, I’d like to form an equation. I'd like to try and note two distinct facets
of existence and place an equal sign between them. The question is, will the equation work out, or
is the new math of a modern society changing at such lightning speed that the rules we learned
yesterday are discardable today? Is future shock happening on a daily basis?
My hypothesis is this: On the left side of the equation we have the ideal student, wrapped in
protective coat of many colors of higher education, a product of all a university has to offer. On the
right side, the world, ready to rip the coat up and resew it again in the newest fashion, ready to be
reacted to and subjected to by this new ideal human. In the middle, that questionable equal sign
that joins the two today, shakily unifying them.
The world itself is in a strange state. You see, I’ve just had an education, and despite the fine
preparation it afforded me, many of those things | was taught | just can’t seem to apply to my life off
of this stage. Or can |? The Business School teaches me how to run multi-million dollar corpora-
tions, but | still have to start at the bottom. The History Department tells me everything that’s
happened, but they fail to prepare me for what’s to come. The Language Departments teach me
fe to speak peacefully to friends of other nations, but now | will be sent there with a gun in my
and.
The Biology Department studies all living things and nuclear power threatens to kill them. The
Classics Department teaches me to heed the examples of ancient societies, but around me, my
government ignores past errows and makes the same mistakes. The English Department unveils the
beauty of the written word, but the newspapers fill up our reading time well enough with an
abundance of non-fiction horror tales. The Math Department gives us perfect order in those
beautiful equations, but outside, nothing seems to balance.
So how can there be an equation? How can that ever equal?
Well, if the world around me goes on hurting and killing people with war and disease, then the
Biology Department will continue to be a part of the fight to prolong life and save it. And if the
government ignores history, then at least the History Department will teach us to be aware of it, and
commit our actions with the knowledge of their historical implications. And, if our government has
trouble getting the obvious across to friends and enemies around the globe, then at least the
Language Departments will teach young men and women to carry the message themselves.
So friends, it seems that every facet of education and life, including those | have cited, have
two sides to them, an ambiguous nature of choice. The time to make that choice is now.
Mankind is at one of those pivotal points in its history, the likes of which have not been seen for
the past 2500 years. Back then, we were just discovering the young concepts of technology, and
pure intelligence, and deep thought, and the arts. Well now those discoveries are over. A single
musician, for better or worse, can make the sounds of an orchestra on one machine. Gas will be
gone soon and our kids may never go through things like the back seat syndrome, being there,
doing it there, road tests, and all of the related societal traditions that go with it. I’m afraid we’re not
making much headway against cancer, though | daresay we just put fifty billion dollars towards
sending our own missiles around tracks under Utah. We've accidentally destroyed the Gulf of
Mexico with the world’s largest oil spill, but it’s not even an ocean and there are several of those
left. We've never created a weapon that we didn’t use, but now we've created some that we simply
can’t use. Indeed, the world is at one of those pivotal points. Here’s where the ambiguities start
287
|
See ae te eee ow RO
288 -
turning into hard decision making, like it or not.
Well, does a college education prepare me, the graduate, for this world, a world that’s suddenly
not based in the same principles and traditions that my education has based itself on?
| believe that the purpose of education is to make one aware, to wake up the senses, to arouse the
mental fibers that lay dormant for years or were just not yet ripe for picking. The idea, though, that
our minds may have been crafted, even if to accept great thoughts, is frighteningly claustrophobic.
If we’re here today as products of the system rather than as beneficiaries of it, then we will have lost
the quality which can change this world. We will have lost the freedom of thought, while our
government expects us to fight for the dream of it.
Luckily though, this system of Pink Floyd’s ‘‘thought control’’ is imperfect. Its constraints on us
have, actually, been relatively mild. There are 1001 ways to pass a course and several ways to ace
one. We've cut, we've shuffled, we’ve cheated, we’ve bucked a system to get through, because in
order to be here on this lonely May day, we had to get through. So to think that four years here
means we’re educated in the exact way the system intended, is, thankfully, naive. Yet we are
educated. Perhaps experienced is a better word. Perhaps four years older is the best way to describe
it, for each of our experiences here are so diverse, the only thing we really have in common is the
time spent here, and the world we all must enter in spite of it.
But where does education stop and learning begin? Where do we really stop doing what we’re
told and begin doing what we want, what we think is necessary? But then, what is necessary what
do we want? Does this diploma tell us? Certainly not, for all it does tell us is that we can now go out
and get it, whether it’s a seat on the exchange, a home on the range, or something totally new or
totally strange.
Therefore, to choose individual freedom now, is to choose, my friends, not a common struggle
against various masters of this ordered world, but a lonely journey. To choose the revolution of the
inidivudal now is to choose not revolutionary armies and open battles against Russians or other so
called enemies, but singleness and duty in a broken world. Only by action, only by moral action,
only by moral action at the highest level, that revolution of the individual that is the choice between
ambiguities, that is the creative impulse, that is the equation, that is the future, can we win a war |
don’t believe any of us would ever mind fighting.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, students, students who teach, students who
watch, esteemed other, the point. The point is, there is no point. No grand summing up, no all
encompassing conclusion. |, the graduate, have confronted many questions. And | can’t look under
this cap or behind this gown and pull out any answers. | can guess and be wrong or right, | can
assume. | can offer an opinion. | can suggest a possibility. | can even hope. But | don’t have the
absolute answers. Four years of college haven’t prepared me for conclusions, only beginnings. As |
clutch this contract of obligation to my breast and walk out of here, my education is not ending, but
beginning. This is the commencement.
So I’m ready to search every nook and cranny in the university, tripping over starlight, blasted by
the discourse of meteorites, stranded in bleak, black despair, illuminated in the glow of some
friendly sun, until | find the other side of the equation, the x factor. | may fail, falling into a
gravitational field of self-pity and burning up in a polluted atmosphere of selfish neglect. But as |
stand here before these glowing eyes ceaselessly asking those unanswerable questions which will
balance the equation, | am obliged to try and use this mind, this education, experienced, older,
collective mind, to solve for x, to achieve a balance between the promise of youth and the
possibilities of life. Not to the great answers, but to the devine possibilities | dedicate my knowledge
and my experience and direct my imagination and inspiration.
289
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